PWNED! Person Of The Day

We were baffled how this could happen. Then we saw this picture and that cleared everything up.

THIS CRAP WRITES ITSELF!

Maikon Bonani is the starting kicker for the University of South Florida by Fall and Busch Gardens gondola operator by Summer. Saturday, Bonani’s gondola tested the one thing all kicker’s, sans Sebastian Janikowski, do not want to be tested on: arm strength! Can we get an “oy vey!” from all our South Florida Jewish readers? Besides some minor injuries, there are a few problems with this situation: first, it’s Bonani’s fault. For some reason he decided Tampa would be a place he doesn’t mind living. Had he chosen to go to school elsewhere, Busch Gardens wouldn’t have even be an option as summer employment.

Quite frankly, we’d rather spend a day at Dogpatch USA. What do you say to people who don’t know what happened and they ask you why you aren’t playing football this year? You literally have to look them in the eyes and tell them “Busch Gardens happened.” That’s it. That’s what you have to say barring the fall didn’t shatter your every bone in your face.  If your going to get pwned! stick to Disney World or Universal Studios. There’s no shame in being decapitated on Space Mountain and it’s just an hour commute from campus! Second, the people he sent off in the gondola either thought this was a part of the mystique of Busch Gardens or they were all 6 year olds. Which even then we could argue whether or not they have souls because they sure had the strength to lift him up. He weighs 174 lbs. for crying out loud.

Ron Artest Wants To See Michael Jackson. Next Year.

Oh it's gay alright. But the rainbow just drives that home.

This is a little old but what happens when you combine mad beats with dope lyrics? Ron Artest happens. Who coincidentally is both mad and on dope. These lyrics are NSFW. Technically, NSFW depends on where you work. Jackson, MS? Perfectly fine. Harrison, AR? Not so much. Dude loved him some MJ. I think that’s safe to say, CAUSE AT ONE POINT HE SAYS, “MJ, YOU IN MY PRAYERS, I KNOW YOU IN HEAVEN, I HOPE TO SEE YOU NEXT YEHR!” (that’s the only way you can spell “year” and make it rhyme with prayers.)

So, if that’s not a cry for help, we don’t know what is.

Anyway, if the lyrical content doesn’t make you want to break off the leg of a scorer’s table and stab someone with it, you’re of very sound mind.

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshh3zVnxIDkR0tJO8S4

Canada … A Country Void Of Laughter

Two peoples, united over being forced to live in uninhabitable lands.

Yesterday we posted our PWNED! Person of the Day, Graham Harrell. What we didn’t realize was that Canadians haven’t laughed at themselves since 2005 when the Queen headed back to the U.K. and everyone was forced to answer the question, “Now what?” So apparently we hacked off an entire nation and the masses came in guns a’blazin’. We’d like to post these comments today and as we do, we’d like for you read them in the “white guy” voice that Dave Chappelle every black comedian uses quite frequently. Let’s get started:

PWNED! Person Of The Day

Graham Harrell seen here throwing his life away.

Graham Harrell, former Texas Tech quarterback and tosser of so many touchdowns that the NCAA gave him a piece of wood with his name on it. It is VERY pretty. So, on to the NFL, right? Everybody likes touchdowns, except this guy. Graham Harrell is a lock. Or is he? Could he be just a cog in the wheel of an offensive juggernaut that is the brainchild of Texas Tech Head Coach Mike Leach? That’s what NFL teams think, and the Cleveland Browns to boot! So where is he headed? Canada. To play for the Saskatchewan Roughriders more specifically. How lucky is this guy? Do you know what’s in Canada? Canada is in Canada. That’s it. Sure Toronto is all techie and clean but at the end of the day, Graham Harrell will be enjoying Canadian television broadcasts, Canadian Mist, and Canadian syrup from the comfort of a lumberjack-plaid recliner, that’s broken no less. If he’s smart, he’ll enjoy them all at the same time in an effort to escape the reality that is … Canada. And he’s not even on the good side of Canada. The side with people. He’s in Regina, Saskatchewan. Do you know where that is? No seriously, do you? This is a terrible day for Graham Harrell. I’m positive the first words out of the Canadian immigration employee’s mouth will be, “you want to what to Canada?” or “holy crap, someone’s here. flip on that typewriter!” Graham Harrell, PWNED!

PWNED! Person Of The Day

Phillip Rivers, born with no upper lip. Sad.

Philly Riv, your boy and mine from San Diego, got it handed to him at one of his football camps this week. BY A HIGH SCHOOL KID! Last week, LBJ got dunked on but at least kid was in college for crying out loud. The week before that a 3rd grader saw fit to school me in Connect Four. (I know your strategy now Billy. You gaywad.) Anyway, Phil has always been a classy guy doucher but this time, as far as we know, he made no attempt to confiscate the tape. As a result and keeping in line with no rest for the weary, Rivers, you’ve been PWNED!

PWNAGE VID HERE

Update: Lane Kiffin is apparently en route to Birmingham upon hearing this update. Steve Spurrier however declined the trip to see the storied h.s. athlete citing the child’s age being “a little too old for the Ol’ Ball Coach. Click clack. Heh heh.”